I've always tried to write honestly and share my vulnerability with my readers, and today I'm really putting it out there. This is my ugly truth!
Today I'm 13 days post op and this morning I went for my first "solo" walk. It took me 20 minutes to do 0.10 of a mile, aided by a walking stick, and it hurt like hell. Did I cry as I shuffled home? Yes I did. Did I cry louder when I got home? Yes again. Did I cry so much I gave myself a nosebleed? You guessed it, yes I did! Let me tell you friends, having a nosebleed when you're on blood thinners is messy!!
When I was in hospital I had a particularly bad night when I just couldn't stop crying and a lovely nurse, Chloe, sat with me, gave me tissues, made me coffee and told me that I am probably the snottiest crier she has ever seen. Anyone who knows me will appreciate that I took this as a win - my competitive streak knows no bounds. As you can see from the photo, Chloe was right, I'm an ugly crier all right.
So, why was I crying? Well I've gone from running 5k just 11 weeks ago to being unable to walk even a half a kilometre. I feel as though I've turned into an old woman overnight and I'm angry about this whole thing. It took me 59 years to like my body and I spent the last 18 months working hard at getting healthy and fit and I was damn proud of my achievements. Now I'm tired, in pain and my clothes are all tight around my swollen abdomen. I also feel guilty. Guilty that I kept putting off going to my GP when I first found a lump; guilty that my family are having the added burden of having to look after me; guilty that my family and friends are worried about me and guilty that I spend all day sat on my bum when there is so much to get done! I'm having a proper little guilt-fest over here friends.
When I'm not busy hosting my pity party, I try to remind myself that whenever something shit happens in my life I always say to myself "well this is shit (there's nothing like acknowledging the obvious). What can I learn from this and where are the positives?" What I've learned so far in this latest chapter of my story is this:
When you know something is wrong, putting off dealing with it is never a good idea.
Guilt is a pointless emotion as it doesn't serve to help anyone.
We take for granted the little things in life like being able to make a cup of tea or putting your shoes on by yourself. We should enjoy every little thing we can do and revel in being able to do it.
Accepting help is hard, but it is not a sign of weakness.
And the positives?
I have a lot of family and friends that love me very much.
I'm an outstandingly good snotty crier.
I have been gifted with the time to spend writing, working on my book and researching.
I get unlimited nana naps.
My takeaway from today is that we spend far too much time hiding behind the misconception that we have to appear perfect to the outside world. I've been saying repeatedly to people "I'm fine, recovery is going really well. I'm staying positive" because that's what I think I should say. Today I've chosen to be honest and vulnerable again and to show my big, ugly, unfiltered truth to the world.
I hope your takeaway from this post is that the next time you're about to put your perfect mask on, you'll stop and think about showing your ugly truth because when we allow others to see our vulnerability we're letting them know that it's ok to not be ok.
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