Eating My Emotions

I began "eating my emotions" after my dad died when I was a young girl. I was scared and, although I had my mum and 5 loving big brothers taking care of me, I just didn't have the words to articulate my feelings. So I developed a pattern of stopping my emotions from surfacing by eating.........and eating.........and eating........

That created a pattern in my life which I have fallen into every time I feel anything - and I mean anything! Feeling happy and proud of an achievement? Let's go out for a meal. Stressful day at work? Grab a bar of chocolate and a bottle of wine on the way home. Feeling lonely? Dive into a tub of ice cream. Dealing with grief? Eat the contents of the fridge and then start on the cupboards. All of this would, of course, be washed down with vast quantities of wine. I'm sure by now you're getting the picture of an out of control, unhappy woman who is eating and drinking her way through life's many ups and downs. Well friend, you're spot on!

Someone very close to me once told me that I was an addict, or more precisely, a food addict. At the time I was hurt and offended by that statement and it took me 9 years to eventually process it and accept that he was right (I was never the sharpest of us siblings eh P?). The whys and wherefores of addiction deserve a separate blog post of their own, so I'll address that topic in a future post, but suffice to say for now that I eventually came to accept that I am a food addict and I am now in a programme of "recovery".

So, what happens now that I no longer use food or alcohol to avoid dealing with my emotions? Well, I've learned not to be frightened of them and that all feelings, good or otherwise, will pass eventually. Nowadays I sit with my emotions, I allow them to wash over me and I acknowledge that I am feeling them for a reason and I actively forgive myself for my past, harmful, coping practices. Currently my most difficult emotion is grief at the loss of my brother and that comes in great big crashing waves that, sometimes, feels totally overwhelming. How do I deal with that? I am trying to make the time and space to let myself feel these emotions in a safe space because I now understand that this is all part of the process of accepting that he is no longer here. This doesn't unfold in a bright-eyed, shiny way of course, it's more snot filled for a start and can be incredibly uncomfortable for someone who isn't used to it, but I sit with a knowing and a confidence that I will not drown.

So, all of this means that I am never, ever, tempted to reach for food or alcohol to numb my feelings, right? Nope, I get that urge at least once a day but, thanks to a lot of counselling and self reflection, I now have the insight, understanding and tools to enable me make better choices. Nowadays, although the low moments can feel crushing, I am also letting myself deeply feel and enjoy the highs of life too. I shut down the voice in my head that says "Alert!! Incoming Emotion!" and I do my best to live in the moment and savour the feelings, whatever they may be.